Postcards from Uncle Sam...
by Bill the Evil Twin
I was in the National Guard for six long years. Let me tell you, that was some of the longest six years in my life. Bob should know, he was there. We could not wait to get out. If I had to explain why we did not like “Going Guard”, it would practically fill a book. So from time to time, I am just going to write about it from time to time when the muse hits. I told myself I was going to write about this topic for a long time. Well, the muse finally hit and it hit this last weekend.
I went to the local Blockbuster and rented the movie “The 40 Year Old Virgin. “ I don’t need to tell you it was hi-larious and this in no way is a review of the movie, but what I am going to talk about is the post card that was stuck in the box that the movie came in. It was a postcard for recruiting for the Army National Guard. I just love Army, well... all military recruiting advertising. Like any form of advertising, it tries to pick out the “positive” or “good” or whatever the ad agency at the time told the Army was going to get them their target market. It always tickles me when it come around, so this one made me smile.
On the postcard it says for the headline, “The most heart racing, adrenaline rushing, action packed adventure you’ve ever seen. And that’s just basic training. “ That's funny. I’ve been through Army basic training and the headline should read, “The most nerve-racking, tiring, sleep-deprived, self-esteem sucking 13 weeks of your life. And you get to spend it with a mixture of immature assholes, rednecks and other guys duped into joining. Yep. That’s basic training.”
Let’s examine the card a little further shall we. It says, “Rappelling, driving tanks, obstacle courses, and rescue missions are just some of the adventurous challenges Guard members face.” Let’s take the first thing on the list: Rappelling. I rappelled when I was in the guard. 3 years after I joined and twice on the same day. I admit. It was fun. The next time, was well... there was no next time. But on the card it has a picture of a guy rappelling. That kind of makes it seem like guardsmen rappell all the time, you know, just for kicks and on every mission. Frankly, I have never heard of a mission in actual combat that had rappelling in it. I personally think it’s an activity that was created, perhaps incorporated, into attracting people to join the ranks. I have heard radio commercials about being a guard member for the day and on that day on one the first activities listed was, you guess it, rappelling. I almost wish that was the reason Bob and I joined, but sadly no... we didn’t.
As for the rest of the card. Driving tanks is listed. Driving a tank is easier than driving a car. Why? Because the tanks I drove never went faster than 35 miles an hour and since you don’t actually have to follow any rules of the road, ie: you can drive over most things and not damage it, you don’t actually have to take a driving test for a tank. My “drivers test for a tank went something like this: (Bob's note: Bill actually drove an APC: Armored Personnel Carrier. Big difference)
“Hey Bill. You’re going to drive the Track (that’s an Armored Personnel Carrier) at AT (that’s Annual Training) this summer.”
“Uh... Ok”
End of test.
As for the rest of the postcard, obstacle courses and rescue missions. They are not as fun as they sound. Obstacles courses just shows you how out of shape you are. Rescue Missions are just like combat except no ones dies, you can’t feel bullets wizzing or bombs exploding and you get to quit when the officers say it over. Usually that’s less than 3 hours. Like I said, just like real combat.
By the way, when you flip over the card, it says, “How many DVD’s in your collection give you the opportunity to earn $10,000? Sounds pretty enticing huh? But you know if you think about, most of the DVD’s give you the opportunity to make that much money, just differently. A lot of the DVD’s are like mini film schools in themselves. If you pay attention, you could learn a lot about composition, lighting, acting and even screen writing, that you could possibly make your own successful movies and you didn’t even have to have your head shaved and be shipped away for 13 weeks for constant harrassment and exercise.
If you were to fill out the card, it says on the bottom in italics, “I understand there is no obligation on my part.” For filling out the card, you receive an “American Soldier” DVD and a t-shirt that says:
Army National Guard
Est. 1636
100% American Soldier
Defending Freedom Made in the USA
100% American Soldier? That kind of sounds like an obligation to me. There should be fine print that says, “I understand that wearing this makes me an American Soldier and I am obligated to signing up for six years”
I got kind of curious on why that postcard was in that particular movie. Did the National Guard stick the card in every DVD that was out there? I had rented three other movies and check each one for the card.
The Sea Inside - No Card
Fever Pitch - No Card
The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy - Card!
If you look at “The 40 Year Old Virgin” and “The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy”, you could make an assumption on the type of person that rents those types of movies. All right. I’LL make the assumption. People that rent those movies are 1) male 2) in high school or college 3) possibly single. Fever Pitch is kind of a date movie and no one getting some is going to sign up and be three months away from his girlfriend. “The Sea Inside” is an arty movie and frankly looks kind of faggy. We just don’t want those type to join up. I could totally be wrong on this. The blockbuster staff could have forgotten to put the cards in the other DVD cases. However, I could be right.
It’s not just postcards that the National Guard is using. I read an article where on some Mom and Pop pizza places, they are giving free pizza boxes to the owners to put their pizzas in. On the boxes, it has a picture of a young woman and a message telling about how the government will pay for tuition and other benefits. Again, no queers please. Didn’t you see the picture of the attractive young woman?
Some Guard web sites are offering a free song from Itunes. Yep. One song and all you have to do is put in your vital information and be harrassed by a recruiter just for that one song. Dude, I could have bought you a song. I won’t, but you get the idea.
Well, apparently, these tactics are working better than the postcard. I can’t say they would have worked for me. I wasn’t as against joining the military as I was when I was younger. I just wanted to go to college, but I do know if I had ended up in Iraq for joining up for this so-called part time job, I would have been super pissed.
I was in the National Guard for six long years. Let me tell you, that was some of the longest six years in my life. Bob should know, he was there. We could not wait to get out. If I had to explain why we did not like “Going Guard”, it would practically fill a book. So from time to time, I am just going to write about it from time to time when the muse hits. I told myself I was going to write about this topic for a long time. Well, the muse finally hit and it hit this last weekend.
I went to the local Blockbuster and rented the movie “The 40 Year Old Virgin. “ I don’t need to tell you it was hi-larious and this in no way is a review of the movie, but what I am going to talk about is the post card that was stuck in the box that the movie came in. It was a postcard for recruiting for the Army National Guard. I just love Army, well... all military recruiting advertising. Like any form of advertising, it tries to pick out the “positive” or “good” or whatever the ad agency at the time told the Army was going to get them their target market. It always tickles me when it come around, so this one made me smile.
On the postcard it says for the headline, “The most heart racing, adrenaline rushing, action packed adventure you’ve ever seen. And that’s just basic training. “ That's funny. I’ve been through Army basic training and the headline should read, “The most nerve-racking, tiring, sleep-deprived, self-esteem sucking 13 weeks of your life. And you get to spend it with a mixture of immature assholes, rednecks and other guys duped into joining. Yep. That’s basic training.”
Let’s examine the card a little further shall we. It says, “Rappelling, driving tanks, obstacle courses, and rescue missions are just some of the adventurous challenges Guard members face.” Let’s take the first thing on the list: Rappelling. I rappelled when I was in the guard. 3 years after I joined and twice on the same day. I admit. It was fun. The next time, was well... there was no next time. But on the card it has a picture of a guy rappelling. That kind of makes it seem like guardsmen rappell all the time, you know, just for kicks and on every mission. Frankly, I have never heard of a mission in actual combat that had rappelling in it. I personally think it’s an activity that was created, perhaps incorporated, into attracting people to join the ranks. I have heard radio commercials about being a guard member for the day and on that day on one the first activities listed was, you guess it, rappelling. I almost wish that was the reason Bob and I joined, but sadly no... we didn’t.
As for the rest of the card. Driving tanks is listed. Driving a tank is easier than driving a car. Why? Because the tanks I drove never went faster than 35 miles an hour and since you don’t actually have to follow any rules of the road, ie: you can drive over most things and not damage it, you don’t actually have to take a driving test for a tank. My “drivers test for a tank went something like this: (Bob's note: Bill actually drove an APC: Armored Personnel Carrier. Big difference)
“Hey Bill. You’re going to drive the Track (that’s an Armored Personnel Carrier) at AT (that’s Annual Training) this summer.”
“Uh... Ok”
End of test.
As for the rest of the postcard, obstacle courses and rescue missions. They are not as fun as they sound. Obstacles courses just shows you how out of shape you are. Rescue Missions are just like combat except no ones dies, you can’t feel bullets wizzing or bombs exploding and you get to quit when the officers say it over. Usually that’s less than 3 hours. Like I said, just like real combat.
By the way, when you flip over the card, it says, “How many DVD’s in your collection give you the opportunity to earn $10,000? Sounds pretty enticing huh? But you know if you think about, most of the DVD’s give you the opportunity to make that much money, just differently. A lot of the DVD’s are like mini film schools in themselves. If you pay attention, you could learn a lot about composition, lighting, acting and even screen writing, that you could possibly make your own successful movies and you didn’t even have to have your head shaved and be shipped away for 13 weeks for constant harrassment and exercise.
If you were to fill out the card, it says on the bottom in italics, “I understand there is no obligation on my part.” For filling out the card, you receive an “American Soldier” DVD and a t-shirt that says:
Army National Guard
Est. 1636
100% American Soldier
Defending Freedom Made in the USA
100% American Soldier? That kind of sounds like an obligation to me. There should be fine print that says, “I understand that wearing this makes me an American Soldier and I am obligated to signing up for six years”
I got kind of curious on why that postcard was in that particular movie. Did the National Guard stick the card in every DVD that was out there? I had rented three other movies and check each one for the card.
The Sea Inside - No Card
Fever Pitch - No Card
The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy - Card!
If you look at “The 40 Year Old Virgin” and “The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy”, you could make an assumption on the type of person that rents those types of movies. All right. I’LL make the assumption. People that rent those movies are 1) male 2) in high school or college 3) possibly single. Fever Pitch is kind of a date movie and no one getting some is going to sign up and be three months away from his girlfriend. “The Sea Inside” is an arty movie and frankly looks kind of faggy. We just don’t want those type to join up. I could totally be wrong on this. The blockbuster staff could have forgotten to put the cards in the other DVD cases. However, I could be right.
It’s not just postcards that the National Guard is using. I read an article where on some Mom and Pop pizza places, they are giving free pizza boxes to the owners to put their pizzas in. On the boxes, it has a picture of a young woman and a message telling about how the government will pay for tuition and other benefits. Again, no queers please. Didn’t you see the picture of the attractive young woman?
Some Guard web sites are offering a free song from Itunes. Yep. One song and all you have to do is put in your vital information and be harrassed by a recruiter just for that one song. Dude, I could have bought you a song. I won’t, but you get the idea.
Well, apparently, these tactics are working better than the postcard. I can’t say they would have worked for me. I wasn’t as against joining the military as I was when I was younger. I just wanted to go to college, but I do know if I had ended up in Iraq for joining up for this so-called part time job, I would have been super pissed.
posted by Bob At Large @ 8:58 AM
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